I was so enraged…

I just didn’t know what to do with myself… I was so angry and disgusted with this aspect of humanity.  Please sign this petition.  I rarely feel instantly confrontational and livid, but this upsets me so much.  Animals and children are ALL our responsibility!  Where were the adults who weren’t around?  Who were the parents of all the teens involved?  Grown men and women do stupid shit all over the world every single day, and that’s fine.  But KIDS hurting an innocent kid???  C’mon!  Is that where we are as a society?  This pre-meditated madness happens to kids by kids?!  Very upset.  Very angry… but if I were honest with myself and I really dug deeper, I’d understand that under all this anger, I’m really sincerely sad and heartbroken.  Breaks my heart.  It really does… This is so sick and twisted… I just don’t understand… 

Please sign this & SHARE this petition with others:

https://www.change.org/p/timothy-j-mcginty-prosecute-students-who-covered-autistic-boy-with-feces-and-urine?alert_id=jDcWWbmKLo_fB0Wko3qeZ1%2BjTnLbSkMN7aR8Apav9jA2aH0wCLjnt7cRQ2aKAjTNB4ong2DjRjW&utm_campaign=134165&utm_medium=email&utm_source=action_alert

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CoSmic Relief! (get it?)

Hehehe, I’m being corny…but wanted to share some “Comic Relief for Cosmic Challenges”!  I have had the most BEAUTIFUL transformational day yesterday!  And though I am still ringing with bliss and fulfillment (seriously, it was one of the most memorable and magickal days of my life!), I still need coSmic relief once in awhile.  I have been blessed with AMAZING clients and beautiful community through this work I do… But!  Once in a blue moon, I get that little challenge (that usually appears as some type of initiation to an “upgrade”) in the form of a not-so-awesome altercation/conflict with another individual. This video reminds me of how funny and silly we all look when we’re overreacting.  So not sexy!  Hahahaha.

All is well and beautiful… but I have pretty messed up humor (I can’t help it!) and this totally cracked me up!  We are all born with one mother, but if we are lucky, we are blessed with many mothers in this lifetime.  I have recently reunited with one of those awesome mamas (love you, Diane!) – she’s an astrologer…I know she’ll get a kick out of this, so perhaps I’ll send this to her.  Ha!  Man, it’s some funny stuff… ;p

No point if you can’t laugh at yourself, right?  It’s true!  We Capricorns (I have a Leo Ascendant) just hold it all in and implode when we’re pissed beyond our capacity!!!  Hahahaha.  Hilarious…

New Moon Reflections & the Beautiful Ones Who Kick Our Asses!!!

leo moon triple goddess

I love me a new moon… and this new moon is particularly AMAZING!

With the New Moon here (yay!), it’s always a time of reflection, new (or reinforced) focus and dreaming our worlds into reality through understanding the Zen: be still in thought; act in passion only works when we do just that (both).  It’s an exciting time when we want to go, go, go, do, do, do… yet equally need to still ourselves and be, be, be…  This is one of the most exciting times in my life and I’m SO in love with the fact that the new moon is here for that extra kick.  I’ve been thinking about “pushes” forward this morning, and I can’t help but revisit a theme that has been flowing through my life lately: wolf medicine.  Everyone is a teacher.  Wolves, in the wild, will nip at their young (not in an abusive, way, but in a “hey, get your shit straight…I want you to be better because I know you’re better” way) to put them back in harmony (emphasis on the word harmony, not necessarily a form of congruence) with the rest of the pack.  My friends kick my ass when I need it and I feel so blessed for it.  It’s not easy sometimes, but remembering it always comes from a place of love always makes me feel grateful that they care enough to call me out when I need it because they know when I’m not calling myself out.  There’s what I see, what you see and the reality in-between.  Community is so important.

This has been my new moon meditation this morning: with all this new energy coming in, let’s not forget to breathe through it and remember to listen to those who kick our asses with that annoying (which only seems annoying because we’re imbalanced) and necessary wake up call. AND…as this particular moon happens to land right on top of my hangover (thanks, Erick! lol), it’s a wonderful opportunity to blog… It’s been awhile since I’ve sat down with a cup of tea and wrote for the sake of writing.  Oh the simple pleasures of life!

So here we go…

The most amazing friends are those who are not afraid to call us out when necessary – they are the friends who love us enough to get ugly when needed.  Ideally, we shouldn’t use dynamite when we need a broom, but when we let things get too far, they’re the first to blast us with reality.  I am so blessed with those friends… friends who aren’t afraid to be there, knowing that sometimes “being there” means saying what needs to be said ESPECIALLY when it isn’t what wants to be heard.  Denial is not a river in Africa, lol.

I am blessed to know that my friends are the VERY FIRST to support and encourage my dreams on this beautifully exciting, adventurous and fulfilling journey into the phenomenal unknown of experience!  It’s been a blessing to trust and surrender to the process, knowing that loving intention and passionate action (being ALL of what we choose) always bring delicious fruit!  These same friends have been there through all these years of globe-trotting and dancing and injuries and joys… BUT, I am equally blessed to know they are also the VERY FIRST to tell me when I need to be called out… Yup!  When things get out of hand, they love me enough to say hey, knock it off!  Lol.

Last night I had a great long talk (and several drinks lol) with Erick – swapping our goofy (and some not-so-goofy) stories, contemplating “what is” from where we are… and having the REAL TALK I needed to hear.  Sometimes it pisses me off to have people check-in to tell me I need to do A B & C and I know I can be a total stubborn hard ass about things… I know that.  And yes, I get irritated when my friends HAVE to play the state-the-obvious game with me (What did you eat today? What did the doctor say? Why didn’t you ask me for help?).  But I need that.  They know I’m not going to do that when I get so caught up in the whirlwind of excitement of what’s in front of me.  But as we all know, we can’t do what we’re so excited about if we’re dead tired.  It was actually the very pleasant real down-to-earth talk I needed.  Erick’s right, as excited and passionate as I am about this new energy and opportunity coming in (on all spheres!), it’s becoming too easy for me to forget to do the normal maintenance required to stay balanced: I need to take in just as much as I give… And that’s a hard lesson for a lot of us “givers” out there.

Erick and I talked about being the “fix it” people for others – about how we are still struggling to learn to receive as much as we give…about forgetting that giving is a form of receiving and receiving is a form of giving.  We give to ourselves to talk ourselves into believing we’re being balanced, yes, but it’s a little tiny trickle.  Perhaps it’s a growing-up-Catholic thing for me, but receiving just as much as I give was always a guilty counter-intuitive feeling until I was finally liberated to find the realization (on a visceral level!) that we HAVE to receive more if we expect to give more to the world.  We know that.  We know that – intellectually, spiritually… but in practice in the physical, it’s too easy to get lost in “oh, oh, another person to help…” and forgetting that, yes, we need to make just as much time for that massage, for that unapologetic gift we give to ourselves…just as much as we put time into the everyday work, energy and effort that benefits others.

What is in our highest and best interest (not just emotionally, but physically as well…take care of our bodies, for example) is naturally in the highest and best interest of all those around us for we are all connected.  There is no separation when we see things clearly… We know this, yes, but how often do we believe it?  What is knowledge that is not made our own internally?  Nothing. But practice makes perfect and if we know where we want to be, we will get there 🙂

So… with this new moon and new energy swirling around us, I want to encourage everyone to SHAMELESSLY do something kind to themselves in a big way.  If we are open to receive more, we will have a greater capacity to give more by virtue of having the energy to do it.  I have been so blessed to have the people in my life who force me to remember all of this and to remember that it’s okay to receive.  It’s actually imperative that we receive – so get to it!  With all this inspiration and passion flying around with this New Moon in Leo, we really need to remember to center, ground, breathe and listen to all those check-ins (internally and through those who love us) so we can be in the right space to not only accomplish all our hearts set out to do, but truly be holistically present and balanced enough to enjoy it!

That said, let’s all be grateful to those in our lives who kick our asses when we forget to kick ourselves back into gear.  Blessed are they who love us enough to remind us that every kick is a push.  And when we get to a point where we don’t need a little push, let’s try to be grateful for the ass kicking coming in, because it’s long overdue and it means we are loved enough to be called out on it.

Owning the Ugly

Gorgon-Medusa.-Mirror-of-memory

*Artwork by Lilia Osipova*

It was raining not too long ago here in Long Beach and it seems fitting as the day would have been a bit too arduous for me had it been the happy summertime weather I’ve become so accustomed to over the past few months.  How poetic; it feels like a line from that Dixie Chicks song “You always said the day you’d leave me would be a cold day in July…”

Yes, I have a bit of a gloomy disposition today, but that is dissipating slowly (but surely!).  I’m struggling with emotions I have not had to confront in a very long time.  When my dad died several years ago, I felt like my foundation had crumbled from right under me: I was insecure for the first time in my life.  I’m not exactly a cocky little shit, but I have always been confident.  Now, again, I’m feeling very insecure and it is quite the lesson in both humility and integrity.

I had a work-related accident/injury recently and though I am naturally accident prone (my fellow metaphysical friends are screaming “Hello, Miss Life Path 5!”), this time it’s pretty bad – even for me.  And (oh the joys of being self-employed) I just have to tough it out until it stops hurting and looking so ugly.  I’d hate to say it, but in this very visual world, I’m more concerned about the look of it at this point.  I look like a character out of a horror film.

I’ve never considered myself very pretty, but feeling like a social pariah by virtue of being treating like one as I walk down the street or buy groceries has made me want to burrow here at home and hibernate until it all goes away.  This is not in my nature, usually I would just say “oh well, people have to get over it,” but a lot of old wounds/scars are being excavated and I’m forced to reevaluate them at this stage in my life because of this.

You see, Self cannot reveal itself to Self… No, it is in relationship (whether with some thing or someone) that we see the reality of our existences on internal and external levels.  Or, at the very least, get a little closer to it.  Relationships are just as tough as they are beautiful, much like the nature of women lol.  In relationship, we are forced to see ourselves.  Relationships are mirrors.  Now, with this new insecurity, I’m forced to see myself and face myself from a different angle – I’m forced to see the illusion of the reality.  And that, my friends, gets pretty darn intimidating.

I’m the first one to say “Who cares, this is how I look and feel, if people don’t get over it, it’s not my problem”.  But, because this “ugliness” (I’m calling it that without flinching) is a visual extension of my physical pain, it’s starting to move beyond that threshold of physical pain and becoming emotional.  It’s a symbol.  An in-your-face symbol of ugliness, and that’s how I’m feeling inside.  Why is that?!

I know that this is temporary, but I just hate the look of disgust and judgment in people’s faces (even my close friends that I completely love are trying not to stare these days).

QUESTION: Why is it getting to me????

ANSWER: I cannot deny the fact that I, too, am very much influenced by this very aesthetic First World problem/issue with “beauty”.

Yes, me, the girl without a TV, the girl who doesn’t run to the bathroom to make sure her lipstick still looks good during a date, the girl who tells her students that they are beautiful no matter what, the woman who tells her lovers that she is not wearing those heels or lingerie all night and she wants to feel comfortable… she looks how she looks without it, and they either appreciate that or leave.  Lights on!

Yes, I’m that girl.  I’m that woman.  And yet, this “ugliness” is getting to me and forcing me to admit that I have an issue with the non-symmetrical, unpretty, discolored parts of myself made visual.  This has to touch on some type of old paradigm I still subscribe to that says scars are not beautiful anymore… the same paradigm that says my beauty is conditional…

I chose the picture of the Gorgon looking into the mirror for quite a few reasons.  I will share one of them here.  Not only does she represent how I feel (my apparent unattractiveness these days seems to turn people into petrified stupefied stone when they look at me.  I actually had to force myself to breathe and calm down when I looked in the mirror the first time since it happened, so I do not judge them… I have already judged myself – what a horrible human condition!), but the picture is all about illusions.  I see it as symbolic of our skewed human perception of WHAT IS.  Crow Medicine, the very bold distinction between human law and Divine law is exemplified through this picture and this story…

Culturally (and with our shrinking globe, virtually everywhere else), we can all agree that injuries are not pretty.  Deep within our DNA, deeper than our bones, deep within our souls… I think we can all viscerally remember a time when scars were beautiful.  Not pretty (they never are), but beautiful.  All scars heal, all scars symbolize an event past that stays with us.  Tattoos are, in essence, scars.  Our battle scars are not pretty, but they are beautiful, they show us where we have been.  Much like how many women try to get rid of their stretch marks from giving birth, in our aesthetic world any other type of “rite of passage” that involves pain or “ugliness” is quickly covered up and/or removed.  Growing pains always hurt.  And right now, just as there are those few women who wear their scars proudly as memories of bringing the love of creating a family into the world, I am trying to own my scars in the same way.  It is not easy.  Not at all.  Even though I know it will heal, the process is grueling.

Those who are unfamiliar with the story of the Gorgon Sisters must know that Medusa was one of three sisters and the only one who was mortal.  In one interpretation of the myth (by Ovid), she was once a very beautiful, lovely and gracious woman who was sought after by many bachelors.  In this myth, she was raped by Poseidon in the temple of Athena and the goddess of wisdom (Athena) consequently punished Medusa (the victim) by making her the revolting monster she is popularly known as: snakes in her hair, ugly face, the ability to turn others to stone with her gaze alone.  Patriarchy – even in old ancient Greek myth – dies hard, doesn’t it?

Now, anyone in Medusa’s situation would OWN the ugly, get angry and wreak havoc on everyone around her…stay in that space of bitterness.  And that’s what Medusa did, according to stories.  I believe she was just hiding away and minding her own business, scaring away (and rightly so) the occasional person who encroached on her boundaries.  Perseus comes around and slays her, and that’s that.  It would take superhuman strength (just as Divine a condition as judgment and vulnerability are a human one) for her to release the bitterness and kill everyone with kindness…and if that didn’t work, to live at peace with the situation and work on the self-love that radiates out and transforms everything around her… But Medusa was not here to be Buddha.  No, I believe her story is all about owning that archetype of “this is where I was put, and this is what everyone has to suffer because of it”.

All that said, seeing her gaze into the mirror in that photo above and seeing her true self again, her face softens, her talons gentle on the mirror, a tiny grin threatens to appear from the corner of her mouth… and she is beautiful.  By fixating on that true essence of what she is, she is beautiful.  Her scars are testament to her strength within.  She is herself, she is Medusa.  That is the transformative power of intention.  Thoughts are things.  We know that.

Go figure that a plethora of Medusa images are found on plaques, tombstones, statues, coins and on paintings galore to… what?  Believe it or not, these images of Medusa are used to “heal and protect” homes, businesses, etc.  The root of true healing is facing the ugly, owning it and seeing what is truly there.  Only love is real and all else is illusion.  When we allow that illusion to fall away, we are able to walk in beauty regardless of our physical appearance in a very visual (and hyper-sexualized) world.  But hey, I didn’t say it was easy!!!

Gorgon comes from the Sanskrit “garg,” which is to growl (similar to the word gargoyles, who make the sound of gargling as they protected cathedrals).  Another way to heal is to claim the darkness and to have a good monstrous moan about it.  To really own the ugly and go into that Medusa space… to get it out of your system until you’re good and done and depleted…then, and only then, with the animus completely tired, can you start fresh with the healing process and absorption of light.  We must allow things to die before we can begin building and creating from scratch…from a clean slate.

Darkness (balanced darkness) has just as much purpose as light in this world.  We must always end with life, as we begin with life, but it is in death that we truly experience the life and light flanking our deaths of upheavals leading to renewal and rebirth.  Like trees that allow the leaves to fall and decompose in the ground around them, making Gaia more fertile and life-giving, we have to allow certain things to die without fighting it.

It is not the actual actions or emotions that run through us towards healing that hurt, it is always in the denial of them.  I’ve learned that the hard way.

Being the proverbial Gorgon today, am I going to see past the illusion immediately or am I going to deplete the animus with a Kali-like catharsis of wailing and owning the ugly by allowing my snakes to writhe and scare the shit out of people until I’m done with it and finally understand (experientially) that I need to look inward and allow that anger to die so I can truly heal?

I’m not sure, but this was a teachable moment for myself and I hope it was for you, too.  xo

A BIG “Carnivalito”!

Yes, it is an ox AND a moron at the same time hehehe 🙂  You read that right: we are having a BIG “little carnival” and it is going to be fabulous!  Very excited to be doing this fundraiser for AfA.  We are SO very blessed to have so much community support and such wonderful talented amazing people on board with us!  It’s so beautiful… LOVE this work!  Here’s the info: http://us6.campaign-archive1.com/?u=f3ba9f9af0b9a6008b6f40a03&id=57f9cd21c3&e=%5BUNIQID%5D

carnival-lights1

 

Bring It!

kali_by_janiceduke

*KALI by Janice Duke*

Sometimes in life you have to get so thoroughly disgusted with a situation that it forces you to FINALLY make those long overdue changes in life in your highest and best interest (and consequently the highest and best interest of all those around you).

I’m really tired of the fear and the victimhood in the world… a lot of this irritation, I understand, comes from a space of undone “shadow work” (needing to reclaim healed pieces of imbalance within myself instead of cutting “unwanted” aspects of humanity out of my life).

But even so… I know that if three years ago someone were to walk up to me and say, “This is what’s going to happen in a few years: with all that wear and tear, your health will be compromised in ways you’ve never been challenged before, it will be scary, you’ll consider quitting, you’ll stare at death and get to know her intimately, your relationships with your ‘family’ will be tested and soon completely eradicated from your life, you will be hit and attacked on all spheres of your life to challenge you…all of this… all of this will occur because you stuck to your guns and moved forward with your convictions…you’ll ruminate and torture yourself with thoughts of ‘is it worth it?’ and ‘how much more can I handle? If I even can?'”

If I heard all that, I would be shaking in my boots and seriously consider giving up on this work for the first time in my life.

Today, though I am much weaker and more tired than I’ve ever been in my entire life, I am ALSO more inspired, determined and passionate in this moment now to persevere. Sure, I am in that space of upheaval, of change (which is always good – it keeps us moving) and of great opposition to everything I believe in… Sure… But I think about my clients, my friends, even strangers who have benefited from this work (even in small ways, but even so, it means the world to me)… and I think of all the fulfillment and love it brings to my life every single f**king day, and you know what?
I SAY BRING IT!!!

Kites fly higher against the wind… and all those forces that are so adamant about bringing me grief: thank you! I only grow from this. And… in a few weeks, I’ll be able to say you’re very welcome BRING IT! I am not afraid anymore. I have too much good left to do with this beautiful life. And if some things have to die to make room for new birth and creation, so be it. I’m ready. Stagnation is the only real death in existence. I know that much.

Lovingly Unapologetic & Blissfully Free

not afraid

*Love this quote; it’s the shit*

More and more, I realize through the dance, through the pen, through the community…just interacting with Gaia in her wholeness…that my work is quite simple. Perspective changes everything and now, more than ever, I need to remember that.

There are times I forget to stay emotionally involved (authentic) WHILE not becoming personally involved (taking on a story that is not my own) because I get so enmeshed in the lives of those I work with. It’s all simple – by living our most beautiful and grandest visions of ourselves, we activate others to do the same.

If others are triggered or uncomfortable by it, we need to start being unapologetic about it. Why are we apologizing FOR Spirit? Spirit doesn’t need to apologize for shit. By showing others that the fear is not in failure, but in the fear of success that brings them down, we are freed.

For many who are living in that silly construct that says there are some at the top and some at the bottom of the proverbial totem pole are only perpetuating everything I work so hard to stop, heal and transform… It’s easy to not “go for it” because there is no responsibility. People are not afraid of failure, they’re afraid of success!!! Because success is work! Let’s wake these people up!

The more of us who are shining our brightest and smiling our greatest happiness, the more we will share this beauty of effortless being and purposeful blissful living.

Aho! (Little One, my Guide, says hello!)