I’m surprised how upset I am about the events of today. I didn’t think I would get this worked up and angry, but I did and am… todavia.
I had made the mistake of taking the actions of a classic over-confident to incredibly self-conscious passive-aggressive guy personally. I love my work and therefore work with a growing fervor for passion as my work affects others just as much as myself. It’s a positive feedback, and something I source a great sense of purpose from. Anyone who speaks to me for more than a minute understands my dedication and life path. Now, when a guy calls and texts me all day incessantly while I’m trying to use my phone for work (planning on calling him once things calm down), it can push me…
Push me til I snap a bit.
Just because a guy is well-known or successful or whatever you want to label him, doesn’t exempt him from being overbearing if he is being just so. It was a bit much. I’m not with this guy, and he kept checking up on me. It felt claustrophobic.
He is endearing in many ways, but he is so guarded it’s difficult to get to that space of transparency. The facade of over-confidence, always being a tell tale of insecurity was gut-wrenching for me to see. I saw much more SINCERITY in this guy than I believe he sees in himself. Everything out of his mouth is a statement of self-justification, when it was enough for me to see actions. He tried to hard to prove himself to himself. I work with a lot of people like him, the only difference is, he thinks he’s perfect…
We all have things we wrestle with and have desafios that always arrive for a reason (otherwise they wouldn’t be challenges, now would they?) but his self-righteousness was extreeeeeme. I found it a bit sickening.
I know that’s not who he is deep down (none of us are), but that’s something he must discover for himself I suppose.
I am not without fault. I will be the first to admit my hot buttons, short fuses and lack of patience in very particular areas. But I ADMIT IT, and allow everyone else to be weighed on an equal scale… no one more special or horrible than the next. And as I have written before, the ubiquitous of this uniqueness does not dilute its grandeur. Oh no, just this opposite as it cultivates more of that energy 
I saw a lot more in him that what I’ve been shown, but then again, that’s how flings usually work right? You get fragments, pieces and then those pieces move on to reconstruct themselves in other ways in front of other people. Do you ever really get the whole picture with anyone? Perhaps not. But transparency shows a willingness to be shown in the light. There’s a hurt or a bruise in him. I feel like there’s something he’s protecting with his guardedness. But I choose my own battles, and it’s time to put energy into something that will allow that energy to be (meaning free to influence, absorb, share, or not at all). I had no room to be myself. I was too busy being attacked.
I feel I was too harsh on that poor guy… but given I won’t be speaking with him again, I let it all hang out. Right or wrong in its delivery, the truth which is everything got out there. There was something about that guy that drew me in. Unfortunately that something was a minority in his being, and the inferiority-complex-like majority pushed me away. Oh well. Moving on.
On a lighter note!
Doing the Children’s Hospital with Sasha tomorrow. Given she used to be a patient there and now returning to volunteer really is a beautiful thing. Jerry is sweet enough to make an appearance too, so I’m quite happy. Merielle, well, I cut her off the roster. Punctuality and responsibility to our words are prime. I know she’s young, but better to learn the consequences through me than later on in life, you know? She’ll learn.
I’ve been quite tough on others lately – including myself. I think this altercation with what’s-his-face has hardened me a bit. Today I thanked God for “intard” Greg hahahahaa. Oh he makes me laugh! Acupuncture helped too, but feel there’s still a bit more road to walk before we’re off therapy – but I’m up for it! I don’t feel like me lately. This has really stressed me out. Plus, I realize the growing negativity in some areas of my life. One of my best friends is increasingly indifferent to his own life path and pessimistic of those around him. I love him, but he’s been dragging me down.
Let me rephrase that: I’ve been dragging myself down with him as no one takes you down without your permission.
Madre.
I was doing so well! Another thing is I haven’t heard from Felipe in a long time. He feeds my soul. He’s my kindred spirit! If there’s one person who reminds me of the path and who I choose to be, it’s Felipe. I just sent him something in the mail – I hope it gets there! His last letter never made it here. In his words Afffff! Hahahaha
I hope I can shake this “altercation” off. What frustrates me most about it is that he simply doesn’t get it. Perhaps I don’t either — I’m usually more patient than this.
I suppose when you have a physical relationship with someone it skews the minds path a bit.
I really saw more in him than what he showed me.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
It has to be.
I hate venting, but better here than letting it out through unhealthy channels.
I have to keep reminding myself that we fall away from the center to not only remember but STRENGTHEN our capacity to return to what we truly are. Love, light, joy, purpose, peace… Yes, peace.
I love you! <3 T
PS: It’s been awhile since I’ve done it but I threw pasta on the ceiling to see if it would stick and therefore be “al dente” and yes, as it did back in the day, it got stuck up there. It felt good to do one of those childhood food tests again! There’s pasta on my ceiling now — Tehani has definitely finally settled into her new place! =p
